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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528295">i wish you knew</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/90sluv/pseuds/90sluv'>90sluv</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Truth or Dare, and they were ROOMMATES</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:41:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,099</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528295</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/90sluv/pseuds/90sluv</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which, in a game of truth or dare, Donghyuck is challenged to kiss his best friend Renjun - who also happens to be the boy he has been in love with for years.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>131</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is probably gonna be just a bunch of cliche tropes that i've always wanted to write for this ship and that's it. but i hope you guys like it enough to read the next chapters. :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Truth," Donghyuck says as the bottle stops in his direction for the third time. As the options for questions narrowed, he got preoccupied with which trick his friends would try to pull on him, but still, knowing the boys, he was sure that 'truth' was a better choice than 'dare' - if Jisung having to confess to his crush and Jeno having to run almost naked by the neighborhood were anything to go by.</p><p>"C’mon, man!" Mark sighs. “It’s no fun if you keep choosing 'truth' every damn time.” The other boys protest agreeing with Mark at the same time.</p><p>“Okay… Fine! Dare,” Donghyuck gives in. "But, please, don’t challenge me to do any weird shit."</p><p>For Donghyuck, there weren't many reasons to be afraid. They could always choose to drink instead of doing the dare, right? Except that at this point they were all too drunk to even care for what the dare would be or the consequences of it.</p><p>“No need to worry,” Mark replies with a devil smirk on his face. "I dare you to... kiss Renjun."</p><p>"What the fuck, Mark?" Donghyuck tries to hide his despair from him, but he is sure the blushing of his face is already giving him away. He catches Renjun’s look immediately, the other boy, who is already pretty much drunk, is looking back at him and laughing at the situation. Donghyuck thought that by now he would also be too drunk to accept anything, but he isn’t.</p><p>"It’s not weird..." Jaemin is the one to speak. “The fact that you two haven't kissed yet is what is weird.” Donghyuck's eyes widen at the words. “I mean, considering that almost everyone in this room had already kissed each other, but you two haven’t,” Jaemin completes.</p><p>“But still…” Donghyuck starts but he isn’t even sure of what he’s trying to say.</p><p>“Hyuck, we don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,” Renjun says with a serious frown, differently from how he was just seconds ago. “It’s just a silly game that’s supposed to be fun and that’s all.”</p><p>At Renjun’s words, Donghyuck realizes that he must be acting crazy. It’s not weird, and he shouldn’t be going mad over it. It’s just a kiss, he already kissed a bunch of friends, especially when drunk at those kinds of parties. But the thing is, he didn’t have feelings for any of the friends he kissed as he has for Renjun. Still, he tries to push all these thoughts away and act like the whole situation isn’t affecting him at all, because if he continues to act like this, then things would get <em>really </em>weird.</p><p>“No, it's okay. Totally okay, it's just a game.” Donghyuck manages to fake a bright smile.</p><p>"Yeah?" Renjun asks. There’s a small smile on his face, but he still seems worried. Donghyuck only nods in reply, looking at Renjun with anticipating eyes, clearly expecting Renjun to be the one to make the first move. “Okay, then you kiss me, it's your dare, not mine,” Renjun jokes and finally lets a sincere laugh out.</p><p>Donghyuck then gathers up all the courage he has in him and leans in Renjun's direction, he picks his friend's face with both his hands and looks straight into his eyes. Renjun gulps. Everyone in the room seems to be expecting the kiss. Donghyuck finally closes the gap between them, giving the other boy a brief kiss on the mouth, and then he comes back to his place on the floor between Renjun and Chenle. When he sets in his place, everyone is giving him a confused look.</p><p>"That's it?” Jeno is the first to speak.</p><p>“It wasn’t even a real kiss,” Jisung says after.</p><p>"You almost made a scene because of a peck," Jaemin says lastly.</p><p>“What?! You guys wanted me and Renjun to make out in front of you? Are you voyeurs or what?” Donghyuck says laughing, but his whole face is blushing and his nervousness is emerging again. He takes a look at Renjun at his side and the boy is already looking at him with an indescribable face.</p><p>“Ew, what are you even saying…” Mark says. “But I bet even Renjun wasn’t expecting a simple peck... Right, Junnie?” Renjun, who seemed already irritated with the scene that now his friends are throwing opposing to Donghyuck's earlier one, only scoffs and rolls his eyes. </p><p>“C’mere, Hyuck, let’s end their babbling,” Renjun says as he shifts from his seat, stopping in front of Donghyuck and placing one hand on the boy's neck and the other on his right arm for balance. </p><p>Donghyuck doesn’t even have the time to process anything as Renjun presses their lips together. Gladly, his body reacts by instinct and he starts to move his lips on Renjun’s. For one second he lets himself forget his worries, forget that their friends are watching it. He lets himself get lost in the moment and enjoy the kiss. The kiss he had wanted for so many years, and by this time, never thought he would have the chance of actually getting. Donghyuck puts his hands on Renjun’s waist, bringing them closer to each other, and Renjun replies by licking his lower lips, asking for permission to deepen the kiss. </p><p>Renjun tastes like tequila and cheap flavored vodka, and, surprisingly, Donghyuck finds the taste adorable. As the kiss grows deeper, Renjun is the first one to snap out of the haze they seemed to be in and break it first. He gives a small smirk to Donghyuck and then to his other friends as he gets back into his place. “Happy now?” he says to the group of friends, who are all looking at them with a shocked expression, but totally different from the one after the previous kiss - or peck, as they called. </p><p>“Wow.” Chenle is the first one to say something. </p><p>After that, Donghyuck doesn’t dare to look in Renjun’s direction again for the rest of the night. But he can’t seem to let himself forget about how Renjun’s lips felt on his. As the night passes, his mind is so full of thoughts running wild around, that he feels like it might explode anytime. So he excuses himself and goes back to his room earlier than he ever did in a party, having no idea of how it will be when the next day comes up and his friends won’t be there anymore, leaving him alone except for the presence of his roommate - whom he just happened to kiss a few hours ago. </p><p> </p><p>The huge issue is, Donghyuck likes Renjun. Donghyuck has liked Renjun for so long that he can’t even remember when it started. Sometimes he thinks that he has liked the other boy ever since the first time they talked to each other, when they were both in eighth grade, merely kids.</p><p>When they met, Renjun didn’t use to like Donghyuck. On the other hand, Donghyuck was so intrigued by the new boy in his school that he tried his hardest to persuade Renjun into becoming friends with him until the boy finally gave in. After that, they never separated from each other. </p><p>In the second year of high school, when Donghyuck had finally come into terms with his sexuality and his feelings for his best friend, he decided it was time to confess his feelings. He planned everything and thought things would finally work out for him, except that, one day before the so planned confession, Renjun came to tell him about how he was secretly dating Jaemin, and Donghyuck, as his best friend, was the only one supposed to know about it. </p><p>Renjun and Jaemin dated until the last year of high school, and Donghyuck pretended to be happy for their friends this whole time when in reality it was killing him inside. Even though it was a friendly break-up, there were times when Renjun suffered from it, and it was in Donghyuck where he found comfort. Donghyuck not once dared to confess, thinking it wouldn’t be fair to both their friends who just ended a relationship and afraid of Renjun’s rejection. </p><p>As time went by, Donghyuck found that he was quite alright living with this unrequited love. He still had Renjun by his side, now, as they moved in together because of college, every single day. He still had Renjun’s love, not in the way he wanted, but in a way that was just as precious.</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck hears a knock on the door, getting him out of his prison of thoughts. It’s Jaemin.</p><p>“Hey, can’t sleep?” Jaemin says.</p><p>“Yeah… Too many thoughts,” Donghyuck replies and Jaemin gives him a worried look, that he soon tries to hide.</p><p>“Can I crash here today?” Jaemin asks, already getting himself under Donghyuck’s blanket with him. </p><p>“I didn’t say you could,” he replies. Jaemin laughs loudly at him.</p><p>“C’mon, Hyuckie,” he whines. “Let’s cuddle, it looks like you need it,” Jaemin says as he embraces Donghyuck.</p><p>He appreciates the comfort his friend is trying to give him, so he tries his best to ease his mind to put himself to sleep, so at least Jaemin will have a good night of sleep.</p><p> </p><p>______________________________________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>When Donghyuck wakes up, Jaemin is already gone. He feels relieved that, at least for now, he will only have to deal with Renjun and not also with Jaemin. With the looks Jaemin had given him yesterday, he is sure that the other boy already knows everything that is going on inside his head. Jaemin always knew how to read Donghyuck perfectly, so it wouldn’t be too hard to imagine that he would discover his feelings for Renjun. His biggest fear is that, perhaps, he had let it be shown too much and now not only Jaemin knows about his secrets but Renjun also found out. </p><p>He already expects the worst-case scenario, it’s like he can already see himself not having the chance to escape from the big elephant in the room and being smashed completely by it. He expects Renjun to confront him as soon as he opens the door of his room and rejects him. What he definitely doesn’t expect is to meet a happy Renjun preparing breakfast in the kitchen, that greets him with a ‘<em>Good morning, Hyuckie</em>’ just as happy. But that’s what he gets. </p><p>So, yeah, maybe Donghyuck was putting too much thought into everything, almost freaking out over a little thing. He thought that he had given himself away with the kiss, and that, finally, Renjun managed to see right through him, but, apparently, the other boy was still oblivious to his feelings. And if by any means Renjun suspects anything, then he is a great actor because his actions show the opposite. </p><p>So, to his relief, everything remained the same after that night. Donghyuck even waits for some days, expecting the topic to be addressed, but it never comes. Renjun continues to treat him the same as ever.</p><p>And maybe, deep down, a proud and even selfish side of him also feels let down since it means that to Renjun it was nothing more but a kiss, just like the kisses he had shared with a bunch of other friends, acquaintances, and strangers when he was drunk; when to Donghyuck it had meant almost everything. But he doesn’t let it show.</p><p> </p><p>______________________________________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>It all breaks down again one night when they’re both at the couch of their shared apartment watching a movie together. Donghyuck is laying on Renjun’s leg while Renjun plays with his hair. It’s not an unusual thing for them, they have always been like that. </p><p>Donghyuck has always been clingy, and after some time Renjun, who wasn’t the clingy type, grew accustomed to it and even enjoyed being this close to Donghyuck, especially now living together. </p><p>Since Renjun continued to treat him the same since that one night of the party, Donghyuck thought that it would be silly of him to avoid his best friend or act differently with him over a thing that obviously hasn't affected Renjun as much as it did to him.</p><p>So they continued to be the same as they were with each other. Donghyuck continued to be clingy with his friend and to mess with him just so he could make fun of Renjun when he got mad. They continued to be their true selves. And that’s how they found each other in this situation - cuddling together on the couch and enjoying each other’s company in quietness. That was until Renjun breaks the silence with a loud laugh out of nowhere, startling Donghyuck who was almost falling asleep in his lap. </p><p>“What’s so funny?” Donghyuck questions, looking up to the boy who still has a smile on his face. </p><p>“You really wanna know?” Renjun says and Donghyuck replies affirming with his head. So the other boy continues, “I find it really funny how you’re always so flirty but at the moment Mark dared you to kiss me for real you seemed almost frightened.”</p><p>“That’s not funny,” Donghyuck says as he gets up and sits on the couch, he finds himself almost freezing with the comment that he wasn’t prepared for. </p><p>“It is, Hyuck, you have to admit,” Renjun says, still laughing. “Nobody was expecting that reaction from you, the biggest flirt of our group.”</p><p>“I just wasn’t expecting the dare, okay? That’s it,” he says in his defense, trying his best to just play it cool and not show too much of himself. </p><p>“What about now? Are you expecting it now?” Renjun asks.</p><p>“W-what?” Donghyuck stutters a little as he notices where this conversation might go. </p><p>“If I dared you to kiss me right now, would you do it or would you chicken out like you did last time?” Renjun boldly questions, looking straight at Donghyuck, with a smirk on the corner of his lips, already presuming the effect his words would have on the other boy who hates to be defied like this. </p><p>And Donghyuck seems to forget the fact that the boy in front of him is the boy with whom he is in love and the consequences of what he is about to do, as the question hits him right in his weak spot, making him want to prove himself to Renjun and show that, after all, he isn't a coward. </p><p>He doesn’t even think properly about it as he places one of his hands in Renjun’s nape bringing the boy closer and kissing him, instead of replying with words. Renjun’s response is almost immediate, putting both his hands on Donghyuck’s waist, making them even closer to each other. </p><p>This kiss is different from the other. Since they’re alone now, they take time to taste and explore each other better, they take time to enjoy it. This time Renjun doesn’t taste like alcohol, he tastes as something Donghyuck presumes is his own taste, and Donghyuck finds himself thinking this is his new favorite flavor in the world.</p><p>Not too late, Donghyuck finds himself shirtless on the couch, with Renjun under him, kissing his neck and leaving small bite marks on it, while he takes his time to feel every inch of Renjun’s body with his hands. Both boys lost in the haze of clashed limbs, moans, and pleasure. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>That’s how Donghyuck ends up waking on the couch with the warmth of Renjun tangled on his side. The couch is too small for the two boys, causing them to be all over each other. And yet, in any other condition, it wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary - but now it has the huge exception that they have had sex. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He takes some time to observe the boy on his side. Renjun is lying on Donghyuck’s left arm, his left leg intertwined with Donghyuck’s, and his left arm thrown over him. Even though the sunlight has already entered through the windows of the living room, he still seems to be calmly sleeping, totally unbothered by it. And his hair may be all disheveled, and his whole appearance may look kind of a mess due to the night events, but to Donghyuck he seems alluring under the morning light, even angelic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can feel you staring,” Renjun mutters, keeping his eyes closed. Donghyuck almost falls out of the couch by surprise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank God you’re already awake,” Donghyuck says as he gets up from the couch. “I was afraid to wake you up.” Only Donghyuck knows how much it’s taking on him to act as nonchalantly as possible as if this whole situation isn’t eating his insides. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyuck?” Renjun says under a lazy yawn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Um?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning.” Renjun gives him a soft smile and Donghyuck can feel his own heart beating faster. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning, Junnie,” Donghyuck replies as he leaves to the bathroom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Donghyuck gets out of the bathroom, Renjun, who is in the kitchen, lets him know he prepared breakfast for them. While they’re both sitting on the table, eating the food Renjun made for them, after the night spent together, Donghyuck thinks to himself that this is definitely something he could get used to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So,” Renjun begins. “Should we talk about what happened?” Donghyuck chokes on his food, caught by surprise that the topic has been brought to discussion. So Renjun continues, “I mean… not that there’s much to talk… It just happened, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… sure,” Donghyuck manages to say after he recomposes himself. “It was just a one-time thing.” His own words - pronounced by his fear rather than his wishes - cut right through him, he doesn’t want it to be just a one-time thing, he wants it to happen again, to last. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A one-time thing,” Renjun repeats, and if there’s a small disappointment in his voice, Donghyuck doesn’t notice by being too caught in his own thoughts. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>______________________________________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donghyuck was foolish to think everything would remain the same. You don’t kiss your best friend, touch him in intimate ways, and then proceed to live under the same roof as him as if what you two did was okay. At least not when you’re deep in love with the said best friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He obviously had desired Renjun for a long time before anything happened between them, but it was just easier to ignore the things Renjun did or even Renjun's presence itself. Now that he had a taste of what it is like to have the other boy, it seems like it got a thousand times harder to just look and not be able to do anything. If only his big mouth had shut up and not said anything about the thing between them being only a one-time occurrence. Maybe he would hurt harder when Renjun finally got tired of him, but, at least for a while, he would get to have Renjun by his side, not as his best friend or as his roommate, but as a lover, like that night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To make everything worse, it also seems like the roles had been exchanged between the two boys. While Donghyuck tries his best to keep a considerable physical distance from Renjun, so things won’t get weird, Renjun, who had never been the clingy type, now sticks to Donghyuck at whatever chance he gets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And there are times when Donghyuck can almost swear that it looks like Renjun is doing things on purpose just to provoke him. Just like his new habit to call Donghyuck only as ‘Hyuckie’, or that one time when he started to flirt with him in front of their other friends just to make him flutter - which was once Donghyuck’s kind of game. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or maybe even that other time when Donghyuck was awakened in the middle of the night with knocks on his door, only to find a disconcerted-looking Renjun standing by it. That night Renjun asked if he could sleep in Donghyuck’s bed; apparently, something was bothering him enough to not let him get any sleep. As Donghyuck let him stay, he immediately clung to him on the bed and thanked him with a kiss on the check. While Renjun quickly found his sleep in Donghyuck’s embrace, the other boy spent almost the entirety of the night awake, hoping Renjun hadn’t noticed how nervous he was by the simple chaste kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It isn’t like Renjun was stony-hearted before, he’s just being nicer towards Donghyuck, but maybe way too nice, in a way that, if Donghyuck hadn’t already lost all the hope of anything else happening between the two of them, he would even consider the possibility that Renjun might want something to happen again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It is a Friday night and Donghyuck is splayed out in his bed, playing games on his phone trying to destress after a long week of boring and stressful classes. He notices a thin figure by his door, and as he moves his eyes from the game to take a glance, he immediately loses the game because he can’t focus his eyes back on the phone. Renjun, who just got out of the shower, is standing by his door with only a towel on his waist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyuckie, could you lend me one of your shirts?” he says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah… Of course.” Donghyuck finds out that he’s even having some problems speaking like a normal human since his brain can only seem to focus on the boy on his front. “Do you have one in mind?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, I have!” Renjun smiles. “That black buttoned-up one.” Donghyuck's favorite shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Donghyuck says as he gets up from his bed to his closet. As he walks closer to Renjun so he can hand him the shirt, he notices the drops of water that are falling from Renjun’s still wet hair to his chest, and maybe he stares a little too long at it that even the other boy notices.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, Hyuckie.” Renjuns leaves the room with a small smirk on his face, leaving a flustered Donghyuck behind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And as if Donghyuck hadn’t suffered enough, Renjun makes sure to come back to his room later when he is ready to leave, just to ask if he looks fine. He has his hair styled up just in the way Donghyuck likes, a black pair of skinny jeans, with the lent dress shirt tucked in his pants, and Donghyuck tries his best to reply casually as if he doesn’t think the other boy looks like the most divine thing he has ever seen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, yes, Donghyuck is having a hard time sharing a roof with Renjun.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>______________________________________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donghyuck thought it would take a little longer for their friends to notice something was going on between him and Renjun. But, even if he didn’t know exactly what was it, and sometimes even doubt it a little, as the time passed, every day he started to be more sure that there was something. It was visible, it was almost palpable, and, at this point, everyone else was capable of seeing it too. What he wasn’t sure anymore was if it was a thing that only came from his side, as it has always been, or if it was coming from the other boy too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It happens on a day when they invite Jeno and Jaemin to hang out at their house. This time there isn’t any alcohol involved, they just spend the whole day talking, playing games, and watching anime together. Donghyuck notices the way Jaemin and Jeno exchange worried looks from time to time, probably thinking they’re being subtle when they’re far from it. But not for one second he thinks it has anything to do with him and Renjun. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the day goes by, Renjun and Donghyuck only seem to get more attached to the bone to each other. Always sitting so close together, even when there is enough space for everyone on the couch, always touching each other just for the sake of touching. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By now he is already so used to this new clingy Renjun, that he doesn’t seem to notice how new it is for everyone else watching them from outside. For him, it is exactly the opposite, as it isn’t any news anymore, and he doesn't get caught by surprise as he did in the beginning, he gets oddly accustomed to it. And maybe he even enjoys it way more than he should, but that's something he won't tell anyone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He only truly notices the obvious change in their dynamics the next day, when Jaemin points it out to him, while they’re both studying in a reserved part of the library. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So… You and Renjun?” Jaemin says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about it?” Donhyuck says almost too defensively for someone who hadn’t done anything wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” He lets out a laugh. “You tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don't know what you’re talking about, there isn’t anything going on between us.” Donghyuck blatantly lies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyuck, you don’t need to lie to me,” Jaemin reassures. “I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, but I’ve seen the way you look at him, I’ve seen how affected you were in that 'truth or dare' game…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, as Donghyuck had suspected, Jaemin really had seen right through him. What he thought to be a well-kept secret that only he knew, wasn’t that much of a secret anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you’re okay with it?” he says so quietly that it sounds almost as a whisper, his eyes looking at the books on the table instead of looking at Jaemin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why wouldn’t I be?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because you two used to date?” Jaemin immediately starts to laugh at Donghyuck’s words and this time he risks looking at the other boy curiously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyuck, I’m okay with it. It was such a long time ago, and, yeah, of course I love Renjun, but not in that way anymore. I’m more than okay with you two being together,” Jaemin says sincerely. “Besides, I’ve always noticed the way you look at him, even at that time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So I’m not as unreadable as I thought I was.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not unreadable at all,” Jaemin jokes. “So, something is going on between you two, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes… No… Actually, I’m not sure.” He lets out a bitter laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, let it out. You’re looking constipated with all this being kept to yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghyuck ponders for a while if he should tell Jaemin everything. Now, there is no use trying to hide it anymore, he figures. And with everything he is bottling up to himself, perhaps some support would be good for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So… you know how we kissed at the party that day when we were both drunk, right?” Jaemin just hums in reply. “And then we might have kissed again when sober." Jaemin's eyes widen at the declaration. "And it might have led into something more…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You two fucked?” Jaemin shouts, only remembering that they’re in a library after and putting his hand over his mouth to muffle it. “That’s good, no? You shouldn’t be too worried about it, Hyuck.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Nana… I think I might’ve fucked it up. When he asked me about what we were doing, I freaked out and told him it was only a one-time thing. But... that’s not what I really want… And now I don’t think he will ever want anything else to do with me… But I really wish he’d come to me again, even if it’s only a fling or whatever, even if it doesn’t mean anything to him, because, at this point, if that’s the only way I can be with him, then I will take it,” he ends almost out of breath after finally let out everything he has been keeping to himself for those weeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyuck… you shouldn’t do that to yourself,” Jaemin says sympathetically. “Maybe you should talk to him... tell him the truth?” he suggests.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I can,” Donghyuck says defeated, “not when I know that it might ruin our friendship.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After the talk with his friend, Donghyuck is hit by a wave of chaos caused by no one else other than himself. He tries to focus on his class but doesn’t seem to think of anything else besides his conversation with Jaemin. At the same time that he is relieved to finally have let out everything he has been feeling for years, he is troubled because now that he had admitted, said it out loud, it became more real than ever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaves his class earlier since he can't put his head in place and pay attention to it. As he isn’t being productive at all, he decides to go home, so he may as well waste the rest of his day - not knowing this would probably be the worst choice he could take. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Donghyuck arrives, after a long walk - that he presumed would be good to clear his head - he is surprised by the presence of a boy he knows very well leaving his apartment. It is one of Renjun’s flings, a friend that is majoring in the same course as him. As the boy compliments him on the corridor and he fake smiles at him, his chest screams in pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After the talk he had with Jaemin, he felt hopeful for the first time in a while. Jaemin reassured him that Renjun wouldn’t hurt him on purpose, he had given him faith that love shouldn’t always be hard, that perhaps everything could work out for him. But maybe he was too silly to believe in his friend’s words, Jaemin had always been a dreamer anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he opens the door of their house, Renjun seems to be taking a shower, so he quietly goes to his room and locks the door, making his best to seem like he hasn’t even arrived yet. He can’t bear to look at Renjun’s face at the moment, he just wants to be by himself. And the worst of it all is that he has no one else to blame, as it is all his fault. How foolish of him to let himself believe, Donghyuck thinks. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>just wanted to say that i will be updating it every wednesday, but, as i won't make this fic too long, it might only have two more chapters left. also, i hope everyone who is still reading it is enjoying it. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i'll be saying sorry in advance because this is pure indulgent writing.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It doesn’t happen out of the blue, and neither does he plan it, but as time passes Donghyuck sees himself avoiding Renjun. </p><p>In the beginning, he tries his hardest to not let it happen, he doesn't want to be further apart from the person he has been closest to all his life. But it gets harder. What once was easy to disregard, now isn’t anymore. And it isn’t something he hadn’t experienced before, he has been in love with Renjun for such a long time that there were times when he felt helpless like this, so, at first, he thought he could endure it just like he had already done before. But what he doesn't put into consideration is that Renjun’s attitude towards him isn’t the same as it was in the past anymore, now the line has been crossed. The boy continued with those new flirt jokes towards him, and it got difficult for Donghyuck to play it cool when in reality it was messing with him inside. </p><p>So, gradually, he found himself avoiding his house, avoiding his roommate. He begins to prefer staying late at the library studying rather than doing it in his apartment - which was never a problem to him. Sometimes, he crashes at his other friends’ houses just because he doesn’t feel like having to deal with the motive of his aching heart. </p><p>But there are also times when he contradicts himself because he misses Renjun so much that he can’t seem to get that further apart, so he comes back home and stays with him until it is unbearable to deal with the pain again. </p><p>Sometimes Renjun is the one to reach out first, texting him out of nowhere questioning ordinary things, like where did he put the milk, or calling him just to ask if he will come home late again, but without explaining his doubt at all. From time to time they will do something together, just like this time when they’re watching a movie, after a long week of barely seeing each other around the house.</p><p>They’re both sitting at their couch, but as Donghyuck has been playing it safe for weeks, he sits on the opposite end of it, not very close to Renjun. And if the other boy notices the physical distance, he doesn’t comment on it. Besides that, everything else is normal - they often make remarks about the movie they’re watching, laughing and making jokes about it.</p><p>When the movie ends, Donghyuck suggests that they should watch another one since it's not too late yet, but Renjun claims to be tired so he makes his way to his room to rest. Right before he passes through the door, he stands by it, and after some seconds of deep thinking, he turns to Donghyuck again. “You know, if you still lived here, maybe we could watch more movies together like we did today, but during the week,” Renjun says ironically, and Donghyuck doesn’t miss the annoyed tone in his voice. </p><p>“What are you even saying?” He laughs, not truly understanding the implications of Renjun’s words.</p><p>“I don’t know… It’s just that sometimes it feels like you’re more Jeno’s roommate than mine,” Renjun finishes and goes straight to his room, locking the door, and not even giving time for Donghyuck to reply.</p><p>______________________________________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>Donghyuck has never been one to like big frat parties. He likes parties, of course, although he prefers small gatherings with only his closest friends. But he had a problem with those enormous parties, one that he couldn’t even quite put into words - he simply didn’t like it. So when Jeno almost begs him for the third time for Donghyuck to accompany him to a party like that, obviously he rejects. </p><p>“C’mon, Hyuck,” Jeno says insistently. “It’s been weeks since all you seem to do is study, and your exams aren’t even near yet.” <em>Yeah, he needed to occupy his mind with anything else who wasn’t Renjun, and now studying seemed like the best thing to do, so what?</em>  “You need to loosen up a bit, man. You're not like that.” </p><p>“You know how much I dislike those parties.” </p><p>“Listen, we go and if you hate it so much we can just leave, how about it?” Jeno tries again. “Maybe you won’t find it that bad, you know… Almost the whole college will be there, maybe you can find someone nice there.” For the first time in weeks, the prospect of Donghyuck finding someone seems to light something inside him. Perhaps it is time to move forward again, to find someone else, even if it is just for fun, just for a while. </p><p>“Okay,” he says.</p><p>“Really?” Jeno's eyes are wide in surprise.</p><p>“I mean, why not... And why are you even so surprised? You were the one to invite me,” Donghyuck laughs. </p><p>“I kinda thought it was a lost battle.”</p><p> </p><p>As Donghyuck’s classes end, he doesn’t even bother to go to his house to get prepared. He goes straight to Jeno’s and they dress up together, both fully in Jeno’s clothes. </p><p>Donghyuck is not narcissistic, but he knows himself enough to admit when he is looking more than just good - and this is one of those times. Jeno’s clothes fit Donghyuck surprisingly well, accentuating all the right spots in his body, and to add to that, he even puts some light makeup on his eyes and lips. So, yeah, he values himself enough to admit that he is looking hot as hell.</p><p>It’s been not even an hour since they arrived at the party, and Donghyuck has already lost account of how many cups he had drunk. And yet, he feels like much more would be necessary to endure the rest of the night. It’s not like the party is bad, in reality, it is nicer than he expected it to be, but not in a way that is appealing to him.</p><p>He went to the party with the idea of finding someone for the night, but, up to now, not one single person catches his attention. Some boys and even a girl had made a move on him, and he even considered going for it, but, in the end, he simply wasn’t feeling like it. Not to mention that, at this point, Jeno had already disappeared with a boy from his class, leaving Donghyuck bored and alone. So he presumes that his only option is to make the most of it drinking nonstop. </p><p>Donghyuck is standing next to the bathroom’s door, waiting for it to be unoccupied - and by the time he has been there he doubts there is only one person inside it - when he feels someone approaching him. It might be the drinks he had or his poor night vision, but the person looks exactly like Renjun. </p><p>“I’ve been looking for you all night long,” the boy says. <em>Oh, it is Renjun.</em></p><p>“Yeah?” He laughs in disbelief at the coincidence of they being at the same party. “I didn’t even know you’d be here.” </p><p>“I came with Mark, he told me you and Jeno would be coming too.”</p><p>“Oh… Right.” He didn't know what to think about it. Jeno hadn't said anything to him, but it isn't like Jeno knew exactly what was going on between the two of them and that Donghyuck has been trying to keep a distance from his roommate.</p><p>“Why are you avoiding me?” Renjun says, bluntly as always. </p><p>“I am not,” Donghyck blatantly lies. </p><p>“Yes, you are. You’re never home anymore, and you’re always finding reasons to not hang out with me.” Donghyuck only notices now how close they are to each other, he can even sense the alcohol in Renjun’s breath. </p><p>“I’ve been busy, that’s it.” This time it’s not a lie, but what goes unsaid is that the reason he is keeping himself busy is because he is trying not to think too much about the boy right in front of him. “I’m sorry for being a bad friend and roommate.” He is being sincere, he really is sorry for the way he’s been acting.</p><p>“So will you come back to me now?” Renjun pouts a little but gives a soft smile right after. The way he places his hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder doesn’t go unnoticed. </p><p>Donghyuck laughs loudly at his friend’s question and behavior. “Yes, Junnie, I will come back to you.”</p><p>“Good, because I’ve been missing you so much.” As Renjun says it, he moves his hand on Donghyuck’s shoulders to his nape and starts to play with his hair. And that’s when Donghyuck notices the sudden shift in the air, that is now heavy between them. Renjun hadn’t broken eye contact, and as he observes the boy right in his front, Donghyuck doesn’t think twice before closing the small gap between them with a kiss. He doesn't even have the time to think about what he did because Renjun reciprocates right away with the same intensity.</p><p>They’re shaken out of their haze by the sound of the bathroom door opening right by their side. As the two girls who were inside it make their way out, the boys waste no time getting inside. Donghyuck barely has time to close the door as Renjun is already all over him again, but this time way more eager, pressing him to the door and showering him with wet kisses all over his neck, while his hands find their way inside Donghyuck’s shirt, feeling every part of his torso and then settling for playing with his nipples. </p><p>"God, I missed you so much," Donghyuck lets out together with a groan without even noticing. Renjun's reply comes in the form of another deep kiss. </p><p>Not too late after, Renjun is on his knees taking Donghyuck's clothes out of his way, only enough for him to pepper more wet kisses on Donghyuck's torso, then on his belly, and then all over his groin, soon taking him on his mouth, and leaving a breathless Donghyuck trying to keep himself up on his feet by holding onto the walls. </p><p>When Renjun finishes, Donghyuck gathers all the strength left in his body and lifts the boy from the floor, sealing their gap with another kiss, tasting all of him on Renjun’s tongue. As he moves his hands to Renjun’s hard bulge to return the favor, he stops him. “Let’s go home,” the boy says instead. </p><p>And if their walk home is longer than usual because they stop at every dark corner on the way just to drunkenly and passionately kiss each other, no one else besides them will know about it.</p><p>That night, they sleep together on Renjun’s bed, and it might be due to the craziness of it all and the alcohol in his body - making the whole situation feel surreal - but, for the first time, Donghyuck doesn’t feel scared. There, in Renjun’s arms, he feels more secure than ever. </p><p> </p><p>When he wakes up, it takes some seconds for him to fully understand what is going on, until he recalls the events of the night. He didn’t drink to the point of not remembering what happened, and, considering what had happened, neither does he regret it. He surely feels a little embarrassed by his actions, seeing that he was the one to make the first move, again crossing the thin line that they were walking on for weeks, but he doesn't regret it.</p><p>But there is a bigger fear on his mind: Renjun being the one regretting what they did. Or, maybe, even worse, Renjun being so drunk the previous night that he doesn't remember anything. And as Donghyuck recalls, even though they were both drunk, the other boy seemed to be drunker than him. </p><p>As the boy by his side, just like always, sleeps calmly, Donghyuck starts to make his way out of the bed, afraid of Renjun’s reaction when he wakes up and sees who is beside him, afraid that there might be some disappointment in his face. But just as he was getting up, silently as he can to not wake the other boy, he feels Renjun’s arm pulling him down on the bed again. “Stay,” Renjun says, embracing Donghyuck and laying his head on his naked chest, getting back to sleep right after. </p><p>Finally, Donghyuck allows his thoughts to be put aside and lets himself relax on the other boy’s embrace, falling asleep conjointly. </p><p> </p><p>He wakes up again hours later, and for a while, he contemplates the idea that he might be experiencing some kind of vivid dream. Renjun is not only laid on his chest, cuddling with him on the bed, but also leaving small soft kisses on the palm of his hand. As Renjun notices that he has woken up, he looks up and greets him with a lazily good morning. And Donghyuck can swear that this is the most beautiful sight he has ever laid his eyes on. He hopes Renjun doesn’t notice how uncontrollably his heart is beating.  </p><p>He plays with Renjun's hair and after some time the other boy switches the kisses he was leaving on his hand to his bare chest, then to his neck and jaw - that are already all marked up from the previous night. Renjun takes some time appreciating his work, tracing it with his hands and then kissing it softly. “So beautiful,” he says and it sounds muffled as he doesn’t leave his spot on Donghyuck’s neck.</p><p>It's only when Renjun places himself over Donghyuck and moves the kisses from his neck to his mouth, that Donghyuck notices how worked up he already is, and that seems to bring him back to reality. This isn’t a vivid dream. And the not-so-brave-Donghyuck as the one from the night finally makes his appearance again. “Renjun, I think we should stop,” he says between kisses. Renjun stops immediately. </p><p>“Okay,” he says with a worried expression. “Is there a problem?” </p><p>“I mean… we’re sober now, I don’t think we-”</p><p>“So you only want me when we’re drunk?” Renjun interrupts him, he laughs as he says it, but it is a bitter laugh and the pained expression on his face is clear.</p><p>“That’s not what I mean,” Donghyuck retorts in the same instant. </p><p>“So what do you mean, Donghyuck? Care to explain?” Renjun moves from over Donghyuck to the bed, sitting on its edge, waiting for Donghyuck’s response. He doesn’t even bother to hide his anger.</p><p>Donghyuck considers if he should finally tell everything to Renjun. At this point, there is no reason for him to keep hiding it, after everything they have done, there’s no turning back. And if it hurts that much being with Renjun knowing it will never mean the same as it does to him for the other boy, he might as well just tell him and end it before it gets worse to the point where not even their friendship will remain - if it isn’t already ruined by now. </p><p>“I don’t think we should continue doing it... this thing, whatever it is, between us,” he starts, with difficulty finding the right words to say. “Because I’m not sure if I can do it when it pains me to know that I’ll never be anything more than just another fling in your life.” He tries to search for Renjun’s eyes but the other boy is looking at the floor instead. “Junnie, I’m sorry, but it’s just not right anymore. I can't do it."</p><p>“You’re an idiot, Donghyuck.” That’s all Renjun says. He picks up a pair of clothes that were laying on the chair next to his bed and leaves the room. Donghyuck tries to go after him, but he is faster and has already put his clothes on and left their apartment. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Donghyuck simply does not understand. He had considered the idea of telling the truth to Renjun multiple times during his whole life, especially in these past few months when the weight was so much on him that sometimes he just wished Renjun knew already so it could be eased. When he thought about it he always had two scenarios in his head: in the first one, his best friend would pity him, kindly rejecting Donghyuck afterwards; in the second, Donghyuck dared to be a little delusional and think that Renjun would like him back, would accept him. What he didn’t expect was Renjun reacting the way he did. Renjun had stormed out, and Donghyuck can’t quite understand why. To add up to that, he also has no idea of what the other boy meant by his words. But he for sure knows that somehow he managed to do it all wrong and hurt his best friend.</p><p>He replays the scene in his head for the rest of the morning and afternoon, trying to figure out what really happened, what he did wrong, so when Renjun comes back home he can apologize for his wrongdoing. He can’t seem to forget Renjun’s accusation about Donghyuck only wanting him when they’re drunk, the hurt expression he had on his face as he left the bedroom. It almost looked like Renjun was the one who had feelings for him and then was hurt by Donghyuck not wanting to proceed with what they were doing, but it couldn’t be that, right? There was no way Renjun held any romantic feelings towards Donghyuck, what happened between them during those last months was pure carnal to Renjun. Or so that’s what he thinks.</p><p>Donghyuck is mostly hating himself at the moment. He thought that by getting involved with each other the only person that could get hurt was himself, and it wasn't really like he minded it that much when in exchange he could have a little bit of Renjun for him. Little did he know that he was utterly incorrect. He should've just stopped with it when he first sensed that it could go wrong - when he started to distance himself from the other boy for the first time - when he wasn't that vulnerable yet and hadn't shown so much of himself for Renjun. But he was so lost in the indulgence and selfishness of finally having what he always wanted, that he ended up ruining everything not only for him but also for the other boy. And now, besides not having any chance of turning back, he also managed to fuck everything else completely.</p><p>Donghyuck was already worried when Renjun rushedly left the house, but as the hours go by and the boy doesn’t get back, his worries only grow bigger, it’s like there’s this big weight on his chest pushing him down to the ground and making him feel even worse. He tries to call him, to at least get a sign that things are not as bad as he thinks they are, only to find out that Renjun had left his cell phone at home. Then, he tries to contact every single friend they have in common and even some of Renjun’s friends that aren't so close to him, but he somehow has their number, asking if they knew where Renjun is, but none of them has heard of him and his whereabouts. </p><p>Jaemin, as he already imagined, is the one who seems the most worried about everything. He tries to get something out of Donghyuck, to know what is happening so he could at least try to help them, but Donghyuck doesn't give much, afraid that his friend might judge him and also because he doesn't feel like he has the time to have a "talk" with Jaemin at the moment - his only priority is finding Renjun. So Jaemin simply has to accept his offer of telling everything later and promises that if he finds out anything about Renjun and where he might be he will let Donghyuck know.</p><p>By the reaction of some friends, he bets it must seem really weird that, out of everyone, he - who is Renjun’s roommate - is the one looking for the boy, but he doesn’t care about it when all he wants is to know where the other boy is.</p><p>When the evening starts to slowly come and Renjun still doesn’t appear, Donghyuck goes after him. He doesn’t know exactly where he is going, but he knows he has to do something, anything, he can’t stay still in a situation like that. At this point, he is worried sick about his best friend and just needs to make sure he is safe. He walks all through the neighborhood and the college’s building, all the places he thought Renjun might be, and still doesn’t catch a glance of the other boy. </p><p>He comes back home defeated. </p><p>When he plops down on the couch, he is so tired that he can already feel his eyes shutting down. The night has already arrived and yet no sign of Renjun. That’s when he seems to notice that Renjun’s phone is no longer where he left it. Renjun has been around. He picks his phone to call the other boy and when he hears the ringing sound coming from his apartment it’s when he finally realizes: Renjun is back home. </p><p>He goes straight to the other boy’s bedroom, almost instinctively, and doesn’t even think about knocking on the door before opening it. The first thing he sees when he opens it is Renjun sitting on his bed with his phone - that is still ringing - in his hand. As it looks, Renjun has just get out of the shower, and, by what Donghyuck can see, he looks exhausted. “You’re back,” Donghyuck says and his presence catches Renjun by surprise.</p><p>“Yeah,” Renjun affirms the obvious, and even though he tries to sound indifferent, Donghyuck can sense the slight nervousness in his voice.</p><p>“Where were you? I searched for you everywhere.” Renjun seems surprised by Donghyuck’s admission. </p><p>“I just… I was out for a walk.”</p><p>“Your walk lasted 8 hours?” </p><p>“I guess you can say that.” He laughs, but it doesn’t sound happy or anything like that. “I needed time to think,” he finishes. </p><p>“Right… Can we-”</p><p>“We need to talk,” Renjun says at the same time as him.</p><p>“Sure… Can I come in?” Renjun only nods in reply, so Donghyuck makes his way into the room, sitting beside Renjun on the bed. </p><p>“So, about what happened in the morning...” Donghyuck starts but he’s not even sure where he is going with his words. By now he only knows he can’t keep being a coward, no more hiding, he needs to talk to Renjun.</p><p>“Can I just ask you first…” As Donghyuck seems lost thinking about what exactly to say, Renjun says. “What you said in the morning… Is that what you really think of me?” </p><p>“What?” Donghyuck replies, taken aback by the question. </p><p>“You told me you didn’t want to continue… doing what we were doing… Because you think I'm not serious about you - about us,” he explains. “You diminish me to being just a fuckboy or whatever like I wasn’t even capable of having any romantic feelings inside of me,” he lets out a heavy breath, then continues, “Is that what you really think of me?” This time he looks straight at Donghyuck, waiting for a response and searching on his eyes for the veracity behind it. </p><p>“No, that’s not what I meant… I just… I don’t get it,” Donghyuck says in all his sincerity. “Why would you ever want to be with me if not in something casual? I thought-”</p><p>“That’s your problem, Donghyuck,” Renjun interrupts him, and his voice gives out the frustration he is feeling. “You were just assuming things, not even considering what I might feel. You were so caught up in your own worries that you didn’t notice what was in front of you... Because it’s been weeks that all you seem to do is get further away from me, so afraid of what could go wrong, that you don’t even notice that I’m right here, going after you every single time, trying to make it right.” When Renjun finishes he is almost out of breath, and it seems like he will burst out crying any second soon. And that’s when it hits Donghyuck how much of a fool he has been the whole time.</p><p>“Junnie… Are you being serious? Do you really mean it?” Donghyuck asks, still not quite believing everything he just heard.</p><p>“Why wouldn’t I? When did I ever act like I didn’t mean it?” Renjun replies, and the annoyed and hurt tone is still in his voice. Donghyuck instincts kick in and he just bursts out laughing in happiness at the response, completely disregarding how serious the whole conversation has been. “Don’t laugh at me!” Renjun shouts, in disbelief at Donghyuck’s act.</p><p>“Do you know how many times I dreamed about this moment?” Donghyuck says, still laughing. He catches both Renjun’s hands in his, looks straight into his eyes, and says, “Renjun, I’ve been in love with you ever since I first saw you. We were just kids, and I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling, but, right at that time, on the first day of eighth grade, when the teacher introduced the new student that just came from China, I looked at you and I just knew that I had to be with you. That’s why I bothered the shit out of you until you accepted to be my friend.” They both chuckle at the memory, Renjun finally looking relieved that Donghyuck’s laugh is not one of mockery, but of happiness. “At that time I guess I was too innocent to understand my true feelings for you, but as time passed, I started to be more and more sure that I didn’t like you the way I liked my other friends, or anyone else.”</p><p>Renjun listens attentively to Donghyuck, a small smile splattered on his face now, so Donghyuck continues, “When I finally realized my feelings, it also happened to be the time you started to date Jaemin.” Renjun looks surprised by it, and, by his look of guilt, it seems like he is about to apologize, but Donghyuck interrupts right before he can do it, “But it’s okay because that’s not really your fault and also it was when I realized that I truly loved you, and it didn’t matter if you didn’t love me back in the same way, just having you as my best friend was more than enough. Or that’s what I thought… because then I got the chance to kiss you, and do you have any idea for how long I’ve wanted to do it? And not only that, but I also got to know what it’s like to <em>be</em> <em>with you</em>, to <em>have you</em>… And I guess that really messed with me and you are right, I was so afraid of losing you that I was incapable of noticing your feelings, and I ended up judging you wrongly. I’m sorry, Junnie, I’m really sorry for it.” He takes Renjun's hands to his lips and gives soft kisses on them, not once breaking the lovely eye contact. </p><p>He waits for Renjun to reply, but the other still seems to be assimilating everything Donghyuck had just said. When it looks like Renjun is finally going to say something, and Donghyuck thinks he can let out a breath of relief, what happens is that tears start to fall on his face, worrying Donghyuck about everything he had just said. He immediately lets go of Renjun’s hands and starts to clean the tears out of the boy’s face with his thumbs. “Why are you crying? Don’t cry, Junnie, I’m so sorry.” The fear already taking over all of him as he watches it.</p><p>“I’m crying because I’m in love with an idiot.” Renjun laughs in the middle of crying, and Donghyuck is so relieved there’s nothing to worry about that he starts to laugh together, not even taking full notice of the implication of what Renjun had just admitted.  </p><p>Until he notices it. “Is it true?” he asks, sounding almost desperate at the realization of the words. “Do you really… Are you... ”</p><p>“Yes, I do love you, dumbass.” Renjun takes his hands to Donghyuck’s hair and softly messes with it. “After everything I’ve said and done, do you still think I don’t?” </p><p>“Say it again so I can be sure I’m not dreaming,” Donghyuck asks with a humongous smile on his face.</p><p>“I love you,” Renjun says and closes the space between them with a kiss, one so fast that it takes Donghyuck some seconds to process it. And just as he does it, Renjun holds his face with both hands and does it again, this time it’s a long kiss, but still just as soft. “Lee Donghyuck, I love you,” he says again, whispering it, still too close to Donghyuck’s lips, and looking straight into Donghyuck’s eyes so that he can see there’s nothing hidden, Renjun’s words are true. </p><p>At hearing the confession, the one he never thought would be something happening outside of his dreams, Donghyuck kisses Renjun. It’s a slow and passionate kiss, a kiss that looks like they have all the time in the world for it - because now they have. </p><p>They keep the same rhythm in everything that comes after it, taking their time in every kiss and every touch. Even when it starts to get heated, it is still languidly; Donghyuck spends an enormous amount of time kissing every single part of Renjun’s body, tasting him, and as he does it he gets more sure that he will never get tired of his taste. He takes time appreciating the boy under him, the way he starts to look quite a mess, wrecked, and the sounds that are coming out of his mouth - how Donghyuck’s name sounds coming out of it too.</p><p>As it gets more heated, it seems like both of them can’t get enough of it, there's a need for more. But even as they get more of it and it gets slightly rushed, they still let out words of endearment to each other, smalls ‘i love yous’ scaping their mouths in the middle of all the pleasure, but not purely because of it, but also because they mean it. Now there’s no fear anymore - fear of scaring one another, fear that everything can be ruined by a simple word or touch, fear that it might be the last time and that they might lose each other. Instead, there’s only the certainty that, finally, everything is right where it should be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okay... i guess that's it. i can't say i'm really that satisfied with the end, but i hope at least someone likes it and enjoys reading this work as a whole. </p><p>thank you to everyone who read it &lt;3</p><p>and also, if you liked it, i'd really appreciate if you leave kudos! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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